Any why am I worried about it? Well, it's pretty simple - I still love her. This is actually the main reason why I need to keep my distance. It's bad for me to love her right now. I'm going to end up being hurt because I have the attachement to her, and she has the disattachment to me. It seems really appealing, but then I have to remember that it hurts a lot too.
It's been pretty easy for me to give up things for Lent in the past, because Lent has an end date. I have some date that I can stop giving up whatever I give up. It's pretty easy to just do something (or not do something) when you know that you can resume on Easter Sunday. Giving this up is so difficult, because I am using all my strength to make myself able to do this, but I don't know how long I can do this without cracking. I promise you all - I will crack.
For the most part, I've been able to keep myself busy. However, I put myself in isocolation last month.
Kelly (who is one of my dearest friends and a great encouragement) and I only hung out 3 times. Super Bowl party at her house on the 1st, Lunch with Kelly after I went to church on 15th, and then Disneyland on the 28th. As you can see, they were all about 2 weeks apart. I didn't really do much of anything except go to Porterville to help my parents move their store, and work. I did make a new friend, though. Our hangout days are numbered though, as she's going to be moving to NY very soon.
For the most part though, I've been hanging out with myself. When I craved Famous Dave's, I no longer will only go if someone can come with me - I'll go alone. 2 weeks ago, I went to the beach and just chilled there - alone. Last weekend on the way back from church, I decided I was going to go for a jog on the beach (for the first time). I sent a twitter message out. Even though no one could make it, I still went. In fact, I jogged probably about 5 miles (Venice Pier to Santa Monica Pier and back) that day. I felt really good about it, and it was amazing to just go out and do something besides sit in my room and let my thoughts get the best of me.
I've also been getting in to going to the gym more. I went on Saturday (yes, I went on a weekend). I want to get out of the slump, and just feel better about all of this. However, I can't lie to everyone or even lie to myself. I can't shake the feeling I have for her. All I'm doing is numbing them so I can try not to feel them. However, when the numbing dies down I realize it's still there.
I'm at a loss on what to do. I'm just taking it a day at a time, and making sure to make the most of my days. I had some pretty good days last week. It's amazing that those days were days where I spent it alone. I'm confused as to why that is.
When I was younger, I was really in to this band called Ghoti Hook. They had one song that was always my favorite. On the way to Disneyland on Saturday, that song came on my iPod. This song was really my favorite song (I mean it, guys). So much, that I even sang this song when my first band used to cover it. I just like it a lot, but never really focused on the words. I focused on them this weekend, and realized maybe it was something I was supposed to hear 13 years later.
Ghoti Hook - Shrinky Dinks
Last night I laid in bed and thought about it all
what was it that had made us fall
I don't regret anything that I said to you
the choice we made was something we already knew
and I'm finding...
Yesterday you know will never go away
it's best to leave behind
if we want to find ourselves some piece of mind
Yesterday was when we were happy
for tomorrow there is hope
but today is hard and lonely so it goes
I have to set what I want for us all aside
without that it would be a lie
I know inside now where I am that this is right
from here on out it will be hard I can't deny
and I'm finding...
And yes I am afraid, of what I can't foresee
will you still be there?
will you be the same, will those feeling change?
these thoughts I cannot bear
Do you stop to think about a
time when we were without doubt
when love was something new and so unknown?
Can we call ourselves just friends cause
why should this just have to end
and do you know why I must be alone?
I just need to continue to take this one day at a time, and see how long I can go without cracking. It seems to be getting easier, but at the same time it's getting harder.